To be or not to be, that is the question

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

How many times during our duration as a child and dreamer do we face this question? And how often do we reply "tax accountant" or "salesperson" or "whatever it takes to pay my bills and feed my family"?

Life is simple when you are a child (in most circumstances; I won't pretend that there aren't cases of child abuse, molestation, etc. that taint it). You play, you dream, you skip, you run. There are no bills, fears, or unknowns, per se. You trusted everyone.

When I was younger, I was fascinated with magic. Particularly, I used to put on magic shows. I felt as though I had some wisdom that I could use to "dupe" my crowd. I liked feeling in control, and amazing other people. I was always intrigued by the Bermuda Triangle story, and I loved seeing illusionists. I read a lot, and actively used my imagination.

Now, I am older. Young at heart, but older. Life has since taken my innocence, imagination, trust, and fascinations and run off with them. I sometimes feel like they've been stolen from me and all I'm left with is the day to day. No sense in dreaming; it won't come true. Knowledge has tarnished my innocence. Imagination is no longer sweet when tainted by bitter realities. Fascination is curiosity without the time to indulge and learn.

That is not to say that I do not have anything in my adult life that I cherish or love. There are escapes from reality that sometimes offer a dream or a chance to imagine, but they are so few and far between.

I wonder, what do I want to be? If anything at all? Is there a way to escape the daily routine...is there a lemonade stand on the beach with an endless supply of books, adventures and pleasures?

Why the hell am I pouring out my thoughts, typing them faster than I can collectively figure them out? Because I like to contemplate the "whys" of life. Why do we have to grow up? Why must I be forced to pay taxes and bills while bored to death with political subjects with which I alone cannot change, and care not to dedicate my life to?

There are Hallmark cards and after-school specials that tell us to dream, yet we have no camera crew to airbrush our faces and cut out the scenes we don't like.

I wish I still had the "secret" to the magic. Instead, I'm in the crowd of life, being duped by another illusionist, led to believe that there is something grander to existence than survival, with an occasional "pick me up" to keep us going.