I must say my journey to Colorado Springs from San Diego been an adventurous one. I lost my single life, my friends, my coworkers, my comfort zones, my independence, my beach, and my grandmother within a matter of a week. There is a saying: "It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow." If you look hard enough and beyond the clouds, the sunshine is still there, even in the midst of a storm.
I knew that bringing a child into this world without the comfort and normalcy of marriage, or even a father around, would be tough. However, I gave up the all-access pass to singledom willingly and without a second thought, tough as I know it will be. I believe the joy of becoming a mother far outweighs all the sacrifices.
I also knew that since my parents were moving, I would need to accompany them unless my insane desire to remain independent overruled my desire to do the best I could raising the little man. I would still, however, have been forced to move somewhere else less expensive which would also cause me to have to give up a lot of my friends. I knew it would be sad, but Kieran deserves to have the best I can do for him. I still miss my friends from all areas of the country and know that none can be replaced.
I knew that transferring to a new office meant a shift of comfortable work environments with new co-workers and a forced "chipper" personality everyday until I get comfortable. I knew it meant new lunch buddies, new uncomfortable conversations, and new clients. However, I have the opportunity to embrace new challenges and prove myself.
I knew that leaving a home full of great friends and the city I have lived in for 5 years to move in with my parents would force me out of my comfort zones. I don't know the area, the city, or anyone yet. So, I purchased navigation on my phone. Besides, my only comfortable zones are living and knowing that things change every day.
I knew living with my parents would force me to give up a significant amount of independence (ie- where things go in the kitchen is a trip to the polls where my vote doesn't count). But financially I have the opportunity to get on my feet and live as though I am not on permanent vacation.
I knew Colorado was full of mountains, and hours from the beach. The beach I always dreamed of living near, and had for 5 long years. There is, however, a serenity and peacefulness unmatched by any of the cities I have lived in. It's a new adventure.
But grey faded to black and the storm took over when I lost my grandmother, my nana this week. I did not know that it is nearly impossible to understand the depth of love I had for her until I lost her. I did not know how hard it would be to see her writhing in pain, suffering from an aneurysm. I did not know that the night I couldn't sit with her in the ER because I couldn't bear to see her in pain was the last I would ever see her. I did not know how hard it would be to say goodbye.
She was, an amazing woman, full of quirks and weird idiosynchracies (different from my own, yet what made her wonderful). The stress, sadness, and overwhelming shock of losing her to aneurysm and stroke is most definitely something I was not prepared for, especially while pregnant. I had optimistic hopes (despite the doctor's warning that without surgery on her artery she would pass soon) that she would be here for Kieran's birth. I had optimistic hopes that I would see her next Christmas. She had bought me this goofy soccer ball basket for my upcoming birthday to throw goodies in. I didn't know she wouldn't be here for it.
It is only by God's grace that I am able to part the clouds and allow the sunshine in on the rain. She lived to be 79 (almost 80) and I have known her as an adult (more than I was able to know my father or my grandfather). The doctor inferred that had we not brought her on this trip with us, she likely would have had the aneurysm in her stomach with the stroke and then bled to death until someone found her, a far more painful scenario than our ability to rush her to the ER. Even if the ER was 300 miles from our new destination where we still did not have a house.
We had the entire weekend with her, and on the 8 hour drive she told me stories I had never heard before. We shared conversation, dinners, and her last moments. Although I am beyond sad to see her go, when she went to heaven she opened her eyes and looked straight up as if she saw angels coming to get her. She gracefully left this world in the presence of my family. She will be sorely missed every day for the rest of my life and yet I am jealous. I know she is able to walk without her walker, sing like an angel, and reunite with my grandfather after 18 years. She is now living where the sunshine I need to break through my cloudy days never has disappeared and every time I see it I will remember her.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Hell and afterlife
Hell. Afterlife. Heaven. Do any of them exist?
I am a Christian, and have been so for many years. Even in Christian circles there is strong debate as to whether hell exists, and if it does what exactly goes on there.
It is my belief that hell exists, and is a place of torment and suffering, with degrees of the aforementioned varying based on the life you lived on earth. I believe in demons and angels.
My attempt with this blog, is to discuss what the rest of the world believes about hell. I have just finished reading the book 23 Minutes in Hell, about a man who believes God took him to hell in order to tell the rest of the world how awful it is. Whether or not this man is telling the truth, it made me think that if hell is anything near as awful as his description, I should not want that anyone go there. Nor would I want to be responsible for not bringing to the attention of the rest of the world that this place exists and one can choose not to go.
My intention is not to force you into believing anything, but perhaps open some eyes/ears to the subject and get others thinking as this book did for me. I also know that if someone else believed that I couldn't get to heaven, or even avoid hell, if I didn't wear a purple neclace or jump up and down twenty times a day, I might not believe them, but I'd want to know. I'd want to think about it.
Here's what I want to discuss:
1) Do you believe hell exists?
2) If so, what do you believe happens there?
3) Do you believe you are going to heaven/hell/somewhere else after life?
We will keep discussing such things as children in hell, what demons are like, and more, should anyone wish to participate. I am honestly trying to learn more about the subject as well as discuss the topic. Although I always keep an open mind, I can tell you I will not change my beliefs as far as how to avoid hell or whether it exists, but am interested in discussing others' views and also discussing what hell is actually like (for those who believe it does exist).
I will likely comment once daily, so you can keep checking for updates to continue the discussion if you'd like =)
I am a Christian, and have been so for many years. Even in Christian circles there is strong debate as to whether hell exists, and if it does what exactly goes on there.
It is my belief that hell exists, and is a place of torment and suffering, with degrees of the aforementioned varying based on the life you lived on earth. I believe in demons and angels.
My attempt with this blog, is to discuss what the rest of the world believes about hell. I have just finished reading the book 23 Minutes in Hell, about a man who believes God took him to hell in order to tell the rest of the world how awful it is. Whether or not this man is telling the truth, it made me think that if hell is anything near as awful as his description, I should not want that anyone go there. Nor would I want to be responsible for not bringing to the attention of the rest of the world that this place exists and one can choose not to go.
My intention is not to force you into believing anything, but perhaps open some eyes/ears to the subject and get others thinking as this book did for me. I also know that if someone else believed that I couldn't get to heaven, or even avoid hell, if I didn't wear a purple neclace or jump up and down twenty times a day, I might not believe them, but I'd want to know. I'd want to think about it.
Here's what I want to discuss:
1) Do you believe hell exists?
2) If so, what do you believe happens there?
3) Do you believe you are going to heaven/hell/somewhere else after life?
We will keep discussing such things as children in hell, what demons are like, and more, should anyone wish to participate. I am honestly trying to learn more about the subject as well as discuss the topic. Although I always keep an open mind, I can tell you I will not change my beliefs as far as how to avoid hell or whether it exists, but am interested in discussing others' views and also discussing what hell is actually like (for those who believe it does exist).
I will likely comment once daily, so you can keep checking for updates to continue the discussion if you'd like =)
My first quasi-regret
Most of you know my philosophy on regret: I don't believe in it. I feel that I have learned from all of my actions whether they were right or wrong, positive or negative. My theory is that I wouldn't want to look back on a decision I made and wonder "what if". So instead, I just do it. Whatever the "question" is, I pick an answer.
Being virtually friendless (my friends are always there, but they are not here) in Colorado has allowed me ample time for self-reflection, realization, and of course, discovery. The reflection portion of that has left me thinking about all the friends I've had in my lifetime, many of whom I've regained touch with via myspace. Many of my existing friends I stay in touch with mostly via myspace.
Here's my regret: it took myspace to bring me back to them, and realize all the amazing people I've lost in my life. I have some friends that I spent every day with or every weekend with for a few years straight, and somehow they simply fell by the wayside.
I cannot say that any particular action caused these separations (at least not to my recollection), however, I find my fault in not pushing harder to keep them in my life. People are amazing, wonderful creatures. Each with a different mind, personality, and style. I have to admit that I regret the lost years I spent partying so much that I cared less to keep good relationships open, and more on where the action was. I wanderlustfully followed my desires of the moment and forgot to hold onto what mattered: the people. I lost friends over boys or relationships that lasted as long as a mento.
I was young, and I know that I have experienced a lot in the past 10 years. I can't even be entirely sure that I regret succumbing to wanderlust because I may not appreciate those people that I've become reacquainted with if I hadn't. I must say, however, that I will work harder now to value the relationships and friends I have and worry less about the glitterazi of life.
And to all my friends,
I love you guys!
Being virtually friendless (my friends are always there, but they are not here) in Colorado has allowed me ample time for self-reflection, realization, and of course, discovery. The reflection portion of that has left me thinking about all the friends I've had in my lifetime, many of whom I've regained touch with via myspace. Many of my existing friends I stay in touch with mostly via myspace.
Here's my regret: it took myspace to bring me back to them, and realize all the amazing people I've lost in my life. I have some friends that I spent every day with or every weekend with for a few years straight, and somehow they simply fell by the wayside.
I cannot say that any particular action caused these separations (at least not to my recollection), however, I find my fault in not pushing harder to keep them in my life. People are amazing, wonderful creatures. Each with a different mind, personality, and style. I have to admit that I regret the lost years I spent partying so much that I cared less to keep good relationships open, and more on where the action was. I wanderlustfully followed my desires of the moment and forgot to hold onto what mattered: the people. I lost friends over boys or relationships that lasted as long as a mento.
I was young, and I know that I have experienced a lot in the past 10 years. I can't even be entirely sure that I regret succumbing to wanderlust because I may not appreciate those people that I've become reacquainted with if I hadn't. I must say, however, that I will work harder now to value the relationships and friends I have and worry less about the glitterazi of life.
And to all my friends,
I love you guys!
To be or not to be, that is the question
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
How many times during our duration as a child and dreamer do we face this question? And how often do we reply "tax accountant" or "salesperson" or "whatever it takes to pay my bills and feed my family"?
Life is simple when you are a child (in most circumstances; I won't pretend that there aren't cases of child abuse, molestation, etc. that taint it). You play, you dream, you skip, you run. There are no bills, fears, or unknowns, per se. You trusted everyone.
When I was younger, I was fascinated with magic. Particularly, I used to put on magic shows. I felt as though I had some wisdom that I could use to "dupe" my crowd. I liked feeling in control, and amazing other people. I was always intrigued by the Bermuda Triangle story, and I loved seeing illusionists. I read a lot, and actively used my imagination.
Now, I am older. Young at heart, but older. Life has since taken my innocence, imagination, trust, and fascinations and run off with them. I sometimes feel like they've been stolen from me and all I'm left with is the day to day. No sense in dreaming; it won't come true. Knowledge has tarnished my innocence. Imagination is no longer sweet when tainted by bitter realities. Fascination is curiosity without the time to indulge and learn.
That is not to say that I do not have anything in my adult life that I cherish or love. There are escapes from reality that sometimes offer a dream or a chance to imagine, but they are so few and far between.
I wonder, what do I want to be? If anything at all? Is there a way to escape the daily routine...is there a lemonade stand on the beach with an endless supply of books, adventures and pleasures?
Why the hell am I pouring out my thoughts, typing them faster than I can collectively figure them out? Because I like to contemplate the "whys" of life. Why do we have to grow up? Why must I be forced to pay taxes and bills while bored to death with political subjects with which I alone cannot change, and care not to dedicate my life to?
There are Hallmark cards and after-school specials that tell us to dream, yet we have no camera crew to airbrush our faces and cut out the scenes we don't like.
I wish I still had the "secret" to the magic. Instead, I'm in the crowd of life, being duped by another illusionist, led to believe that there is something grander to existence than survival, with an occasional "pick me up" to keep us going.
How many times during our duration as a child and dreamer do we face this question? And how often do we reply "tax accountant" or "salesperson" or "whatever it takes to pay my bills and feed my family"?
Life is simple when you are a child (in most circumstances; I won't pretend that there aren't cases of child abuse, molestation, etc. that taint it). You play, you dream, you skip, you run. There are no bills, fears, or unknowns, per se. You trusted everyone.
When I was younger, I was fascinated with magic. Particularly, I used to put on magic shows. I felt as though I had some wisdom that I could use to "dupe" my crowd. I liked feeling in control, and amazing other people. I was always intrigued by the Bermuda Triangle story, and I loved seeing illusionists. I read a lot, and actively used my imagination.
Now, I am older. Young at heart, but older. Life has since taken my innocence, imagination, trust, and fascinations and run off with them. I sometimes feel like they've been stolen from me and all I'm left with is the day to day. No sense in dreaming; it won't come true. Knowledge has tarnished my innocence. Imagination is no longer sweet when tainted by bitter realities. Fascination is curiosity without the time to indulge and learn.
That is not to say that I do not have anything in my adult life that I cherish or love. There are escapes from reality that sometimes offer a dream or a chance to imagine, but they are so few and far between.
I wonder, what do I want to be? If anything at all? Is there a way to escape the daily routine...is there a lemonade stand on the beach with an endless supply of books, adventures and pleasures?
Why the hell am I pouring out my thoughts, typing them faster than I can collectively figure them out? Because I like to contemplate the "whys" of life. Why do we have to grow up? Why must I be forced to pay taxes and bills while bored to death with political subjects with which I alone cannot change, and care not to dedicate my life to?
There are Hallmark cards and after-school specials that tell us to dream, yet we have no camera crew to airbrush our faces and cut out the scenes we don't like.
I wish I still had the "secret" to the magic. Instead, I'm in the crowd of life, being duped by another illusionist, led to believe that there is something grander to existence than survival, with an occasional "pick me up" to keep us going.
Very deep things
I just felt like blogging about a few of life's little things that amuse me:
1) Commercials with jingles so lame the advertising actually works. Last night I laid down in a futile attempt to sleep (comfortably), and turned on my local FOX channel to watch "Sex in the City" reruns. A commercial for a law firm that handles insurance claims proceeded to play, and 15 seconds in sang a song "Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe; experienced and affordable". (I'm ad libbing a little). Anyway, it was awful. I mean, the off-key singer was not the worst part. But I did remember the commercial. Too bad I can't remember the law firm name. That would be effective advertising.
2) Random acts of television changing. We have a free trial subscription to HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax. Sometimes I will watch a movie on one of these channels. I also listen to the XM Radio Stations from time to time. Or turn on a local cable channel before I fall asleep. For some reason the satellite dish randomly reverts in the middle of the night to the channel that I was last watching. A couple of times I have woken up to the XM radio channel instead of infomercials. No big deal.
This becomes interesting to me however, because last night I started watching a movie on Cinemax and then decided I should try and sleep. So I switched to infomercials because they do not interest me enough to keep my attention. In the middle of the night I awoke feeling sweaty and wondering how it was that I had just dreamt about sex in such vivid detail. The downside was that I wasn't even having sex in this dream; other people were. I looked up at the TV, and wouldn't you know, Cinemax (Skinemax past 1 AM apparently) had come back on, and there was soft PORN on my TV! At least I learned the cause of my dream, but imagine if my parents (yes, I now live with my parents) had come downstairs in the middle of the night and heard PORN coming from their illegitimately pregnant daughter's room. How much of a nymph would I look like? Not to mention the thought is just disgusting. I prefer to think that no one in our house is having sex, because the world is just a better place that way. I'm going to have to fix the satellite box.
3) Animals dressed as humans. No further comment necessary.
1) Commercials with jingles so lame the advertising actually works. Last night I laid down in a futile attempt to sleep (comfortably), and turned on my local FOX channel to watch "Sex in the City" reruns. A commercial for a law firm that handles insurance claims proceeded to play, and 15 seconds in sang a song "Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe; experienced and affordable". (I'm ad libbing a little). Anyway, it was awful. I mean, the off-key singer was not the worst part. But I did remember the commercial. Too bad I can't remember the law firm name. That would be effective advertising.
2) Random acts of television changing. We have a free trial subscription to HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax. Sometimes I will watch a movie on one of these channels. I also listen to the XM Radio Stations from time to time. Or turn on a local cable channel before I fall asleep. For some reason the satellite dish randomly reverts in the middle of the night to the channel that I was last watching. A couple of times I have woken up to the XM radio channel instead of infomercials. No big deal.
This becomes interesting to me however, because last night I started watching a movie on Cinemax and then decided I should try and sleep. So I switched to infomercials because they do not interest me enough to keep my attention. In the middle of the night I awoke feeling sweaty and wondering how it was that I had just dreamt about sex in such vivid detail. The downside was that I wasn't even having sex in this dream; other people were. I looked up at the TV, and wouldn't you know, Cinemax (Skinemax past 1 AM apparently) had come back on, and there was soft PORN on my TV! At least I learned the cause of my dream, but imagine if my parents (yes, I now live with my parents) had come downstairs in the middle of the night and heard PORN coming from their illegitimately pregnant daughter's room. How much of a nymph would I look like? Not to mention the thought is just disgusting. I prefer to think that no one in our house is having sex, because the world is just a better place that way. I'm going to have to fix the satellite box.
3) Animals dressed as humans. No further comment necessary.
To the elitists of the world
It seems I am finding an ever growing number of elitists in the world. And not just the rich megalomaniacs, either. Everyone has their soap box and stand on it they do. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing to voice your opinion or share your thoughts. It is when judgment comes into the picture that I get annoyed. Skinny people judge the fat ones, rich judge the poor, pretty people the less attractive, shoe lovers the ones who wear flip flops, beach bums the mountain cowboys. Why?
In the words of Biggie: "Fuck the world don't ask me for shit- everything you get you got(s) to work hard for it". Simply because one person might NOT work hard for it, someone did. Those who came to America worked hard for the opportunities we are blessed with (and sometimes cursed with) today. The Africans who fought against slavery and segregation, the women who burned their bras for equality, the garage bands who didn't make it but paved the way for those who did, the ancestors who sacrificed their life for their family's trust funds & estates, the corporate blue collars who worked to bring up the value of your stock.
So I ask, where does anyone get the idea that they are better than someone else? More fortunate, sure. I may have made some mistakes and misjudgments in my time, but everyone must grow up at some point. Who cares if someone else wears patchouli oil? Who cares if someone is happy living in a trailer? Who cares if someone else actually likes Nascar? Does that make them less of a person; less of a human being?
These were all questions I pondered; thoughts I mused. I have come to the conclusion that I still have my soap boxes. I hate (seriously) hate our welfare system, which in turn causes me to judge its recipients. But it's not their fault; it's our broken system. A little reform and the people might learn responsibility and the value of a dollar. Knowledge is power, and unfortunately not everyone has it, or the capability of retaining it.
I think that is all I care to say for now, but maybe I will comment more later (after I at least get back to the hell blog). Patchy I know, but it's Friday and I want to go home. Happy Friday =)
In the words of Biggie: "Fuck the world don't ask me for shit- everything you get you got(s) to work hard for it". Simply because one person might NOT work hard for it, someone did. Those who came to America worked hard for the opportunities we are blessed with (and sometimes cursed with) today. The Africans who fought against slavery and segregation, the women who burned their bras for equality, the garage bands who didn't make it but paved the way for those who did, the ancestors who sacrificed their life for their family's trust funds & estates, the corporate blue collars who worked to bring up the value of your stock.
So I ask, where does anyone get the idea that they are better than someone else? More fortunate, sure. I may have made some mistakes and misjudgments in my time, but everyone must grow up at some point. Who cares if someone else wears patchouli oil? Who cares if someone is happy living in a trailer? Who cares if someone else actually likes Nascar? Does that make them less of a person; less of a human being?
These were all questions I pondered; thoughts I mused. I have come to the conclusion that I still have my soap boxes. I hate (seriously) hate our welfare system, which in turn causes me to judge its recipients. But it's not their fault; it's our broken system. A little reform and the people might learn responsibility and the value of a dollar. Knowledge is power, and unfortunately not everyone has it, or the capability of retaining it.
I think that is all I care to say for now, but maybe I will comment more later (after I at least get back to the hell blog). Patchy I know, but it's Friday and I want to go home. Happy Friday =)
Witless and informative
To say the least, the past few weeks have been eventful and uneventful all at the same time. On that note, my closest friends, who are the only people eligible to read this blog, wonder if I am alive.
It is true: I live. It’s the typical busy season wrap up....16 days to go, and I’m definitely counting them down. On that note, to catch you up since I have not been able to respond to much of anything that didn’t come from the IRS, here’s what’s going on in my life.
I took a trip back to California for my bromo’s 21st birthday. It was a blast. I realized how much I miss my friends and family but also how much my life has changed in only a year, and how much I truly love my son.
My parents shortly thereafter decided we are moving back. So California, here we come (again). I do not intend to leave again, and rather plan to move back into a place of my own with my babers.
The baby’s father finally decided to be a part of his life. I doubt that he’ll be a huge part of his life, but he at least came to see him. It turned out to be the week I was in CA, but it took balls to come here and see the baby with only my parents here.
I met a boy. I meet plenty of boys, but I actually met someone who under different circumstances would last longer than a mento. Cute, insanely intelligent, witty, funny, from good family, actually has morals, makes good money, and loves music. What more could I ask for? Oh, maybe that we don’t work together and that I wasn’t moving back to SD. Granted, I want to come back, but I really hate the fact that the first super cool guy I’ve met in a while is going to be forever away. Plus, we totally made out this weekend ;)
C’est la vie.
Hope all is well in your corners of the world--love and miss you all~!
It is true: I live. It’s the typical busy season wrap up....16 days to go, and I’m definitely counting them down. On that note, to catch you up since I have not been able to respond to much of anything that didn’t come from the IRS, here’s what’s going on in my life.
I took a trip back to California for my bromo’s 21st birthday. It was a blast. I realized how much I miss my friends and family but also how much my life has changed in only a year, and how much I truly love my son.
My parents shortly thereafter decided we are moving back. So California, here we come (again). I do not intend to leave again, and rather plan to move back into a place of my own with my babers.
The baby’s father finally decided to be a part of his life. I doubt that he’ll be a huge part of his life, but he at least came to see him. It turned out to be the week I was in CA, but it took balls to come here and see the baby with only my parents here.
I met a boy. I meet plenty of boys, but I actually met someone who under different circumstances would last longer than a mento. Cute, insanely intelligent, witty, funny, from good family, actually has morals, makes good money, and loves music. What more could I ask for? Oh, maybe that we don’t work together and that I wasn’t moving back to SD. Granted, I want to come back, but I really hate the fact that the first super cool guy I’ve met in a while is going to be forever away. Plus, we totally made out this weekend ;)
C’est la vie.
Hope all is well in your corners of the world--love and miss you all~!
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